The Story of my Journey to change How Society Perceives, Perpetrates, and Handles Sexual Assaults and Abuse and How You Can Help

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It was the epiphany of 5 other women, who shared a history of rape, incest and sexual molestation.  Right here in a Discussion Group on Facebook.  Revealing all this over the course of a night and a morning.  One who was even from my childhood.  Then two weeks later.  The ugly graphic airing of Trump triumphantly declaring he could do anything to women.  Kiss them or grab their pussy and there was nothing they could or would do.  That terrible night.  So many.  Sharing their stories of groping and molestation.  Millions and millions!  The shame, the assault, the sorrow.  I wanted a new way.  Where it was no longer accepted to molest, rape, grope others unwantedly, whether male or female.  I started a group.  With a vague purpose in mind.  To work toward the purpose of sexual freedom.  Where the person is respected whether male or female. Where others don't assume or presume ownership or the right to handle or invade their body without permission.  These others.  These women.  Who shared their stories, their horror, their sorrow, their shame.  We formed a group.  For others to feel safe.  With the gentle guidance and advice of others, we formed a group.  A Band of Sisters.  A place for women only, to feel safe and supported.  To share their stories or, not.

I began to share my story. People who deny that we're a rape culture, usually have had no intersection with survivors and their stories. They don't realize the prevalence. When these people hear the experiences of real, "normal" people, suddenly statistics become flesh. The stories become real.  First person stories are compelling.  The terror and helplessness become real. The emotions become personal.  People who hear these stories then understand how it can happen to anybody.  Sharing survival stories is a very effective way of making rape or abuse very real and personal, almost something the listener themselves experience.  These stories create greater understanding of how "rape culture" creates situations and circumstances where rape is understandable, if not accepted. Just something that happens because of the Survivor's poor choices. I hoped to use these stories to create an understanding of how rape and assault happen. I wanted our society to understand the tragedy of being violated. How terrifying it is, and how prevalent.  

We have had multiple cultural revelations since then where millions of people have now shared their stories of abuse, rape, molestation, unwanted touch.  Stories of men in power, abusing it, for years.  Harvey Weinstein and hundreds of male power brokers.  From this, the #metoo movement started a decade earlier, was reignited.  But the stories were changed, because men, silent for years, started to come forward with their own stories.  Then the horror of the Kavanaugh Hearings and brave Christine Blasey Ford, telling her story.  And now, with States passing draconian anti-abortion laws, stories of rape and sexual abuse resulting in unwanted pregnancies are being shared again.   

I want to work toward a society where my grandchildren are not physically molested at young ages by strangers in crowds and in public.  I want a society where children are safe from sexual assault from relatives or trusted friends, teachers, pastors. I want a society where college students don't have to watch each other's cups to make sure they aren't roofied. I want a society where college athletes don't feel such a sense of entitlement that rape and gang rape are just part of the Academic package and a sign of a great weekend.

Initially, I wanted to help create an FB support group for males that have been sexually assaulted.  I may not be the person to do that.  I’m recognizing my energy limitations all too well lately.  But I still want people to understand that males are at risk for being violated too, and have even fewer supports that will believe them, and access to services that will help them heal.   

* https://www.inspq.qc.ca/en/sexual-assault/fact-sheets/sexual-assault-women

* https://psmag.com/news/women-sexually-assault-men-92099

I want to help educate people on rape culture and how to work against it. One that people will call others out on bad behavior. Where they are now allies for combating rape culture.  

I feel EVER so strongly that to combat rape culture we MUST create an environment where it is the perpetrator and not the survivor who is shamed. Where the shame and secrecy are removed by the lights shining in the corners.

I am still in the process of figuring out what my personal next step is with regard to addressing the dysfunctional ways in which our society responds to accusations of abuse and molestation, especially sexually.  The way the justice system treats victims of assault is an area of great concern for me.  Rule of law treats the victim as one to be disproven and the accused as innocent until proven guilty. Rule of law is important, but NEVER should be used to revictimize the victim.

But here are some actions that we ALL can do to change our culture; to decrease incidents, increase awareness, change how our legal system investigates accusations of sexual assault and how they treat assault survivors.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

* Start by believing.  This doesn’t mean investigators make a premature judgment, or reach a preordained conclusion. It simply means that investigators listen carefully to the victim’s report, without communicating an attitude of doubt or blame. The next step is then to follow the evidence, by conducting a thorough, professional, and impartial investigation.

 https://www.startbybelieving.org/pledge/

* Ask that your Police Department and District Attorney’s office be trained in “best practices” that can help prosecutors win more rape trials, even while scrupulously respecting the rights of the accused. These practices have been systematized by the National District Attorneys Association and End Violence Against Women International.  More information can be found here:

https://www.evawintl.org/Default.aspx

Free online Training Institute:  https://www.evawintl.org/onlinetraining.aspx

* Help pass legislation that will provide moneys to local police departments to process the backlog of rape kits.  http://www.endthebacklog.org/backlog/what-rape-kit-backlog. http://www.endthebacklog.org/backlog/what-rape-kit-backlog

* Become involved:

    *  http://endrapeoncampus.org/our-team-1/

    *  https://www.rainn.org/

    *  https://metoomvmt.org/
* Help foster healthy relationships between teens and young adults.        https://www.joinonelove.org/

* Become aware of the facts regarding child sexual abuse.  Darkness to Light believes that adults are responsible for the safety of children and should be taking proactive steps to protect children from this significant risk. It is unrealistic to think that a young child can take responsibility for fending off sexual advances by an adult. Adults are the ones who need to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. Yet, the statistics clearly show that adults aren’t shouldering this responsibility. We believe that adults want to, they just don’t know how.

    *    http://www.d2l.org/education/5-steps/step-1/

Become involved by receiving training to become a Child Advocate, host a Workshop, train adults in abuse awareness and recognition:

    *   http://www.d2l.org/get-involved/

*  Find alternatives for rape prevention and punishment.  “It would be one thing if we knew that mass incarceration and harsh prison sentences are a good way to fight crime. The truth, based on centuries of research, is they’re not.”  https://www.vox.com/2016/9/1/12652758/rape-prison-mass-incarceration 

Our penalties for sexual predation are already the most severe in the developed world. Today, sex offenders constitute the fastest growing segment of America's prison population.”    http://theweek.com/articles/646202/why-lengthy-prison-sentences-arent-best-punishment-rapists

* If you are interested in joining Band of Sisters, our FB abuse survivors group, message me a request.  Women only please.

Thank you for reading.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”  Brene Brown

Peace and light.

Kismet

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Wanderings in my Mind: Places of the Heart

Wanderings in my Mind: Places of the Heart: In 2000, after I walked the Honolulu Marathon with my husband to raise money for the Arthritis Foundation, I decided to go off of the anti-...

Reclaiming our Time, Reclaiming our Bodies and the #metoo Movement

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The women coming forward regarding Joe Biden’s “Handsiness” are being ridiculed, accused of being political pawns, being accused of lying or being oversensitive, “it’s just a hug”, being accused of “being paid” by Republicans to make these accusations.Men and women alike are incensed, saying the #metoo movement has “gone too far.” I have even seen statements that treating “handsiness” as an “assault” is doing a disservice to people who have “actually” been sexually assaulted.

Let us review this movement, because I believe the #metoo movement is evolving now so that it is addressing a CONTINUUM of the bodies of men and women alike, being treated and used by others as their property to force physical and sexual attention and touch that the owner has not been asked for or given consent to touch or use.

It’s only been since 2016 and Donald Trump’s “Pussy grabbing” tape, that we have realized the scope of people, male and female, who have endured physical assaults from grabbing of body parts to rape, to sexual abuse to sexual harassment.  Before that time, none of Bill Cosby’s “victims” was able to gain any traction with police or in the courts, despite the first victims coming forward 20 years ago.  Nor were the gymnasts under Dr. Nassar’s “care” treated as credible sources when they complained to USA Gymnastics or Michigan State University.  It turned out that both entities had known about the allegations for at least two decades.  Dr. Nassar was still being allowed to “treat” patients even as he was being investigated in 2014 and before he resigned from USA Gymnastics in 2015.  Ultimately over 300 victims/athletes would come forward and say they were violated during supposed “treatments”.

Despite the pussy tape and over 20 women coming forward to say they had been violated by Trump, he was still elected and there has been no acknowledgement of any wrongdoing by Trump.

Then the story of decades of sexual malfeasance and manipulation of scores of actresses by Henry Weinstein was broken by the investigative reporting of the New York Times and the New Yorker.  The #metoo hashtag initiated a decade earlier by Tarana Burk, was given new life by Alyssa Milano and the stories of hundreds of survivors, male and female were told throughout the world of social media.   Then the accused in positions of power throughout the entertainment and media industries began to resign or be fired.  These revelations have spread to Universities, Congress, and most recently was a major part in hearings for a Supreme Court Justice. Many livelihoods and careers have been affected or cut short.

Allegations that were never investigated or were never made started filling headlines in droves, showing us that neither Federal nor Corporate Sexual Harassment Policies were being adequately implemented.

And here is where the generational gap comes into play.  Since women have entered society and the work force, fighting off not only sexual advances, but grabbing of body parts, sexual innuendos, cat calls, etc. were just another part of everyday life for women and girls of all ages.  Not until 2016 did our culture change enough that women found the unacceptable no longer an acceptable cost of working with men.  People previously silent, sometimes for decades, finally felt safe enough to come forward to the entities that were supposed to provide safe work environments for all their employees, but also to come forward to tell their stories and say “This has to stop.”  Until then, the onus was on men and women to endure violation of their physical space and bodily autonomy as part of the power structures in place in many work environment.

No longer are butt pats, boob grabs, boob brushes, unwanted kisses, unwanted dick pics tolerated and up to the molested to stop.  No longer are people accepting that they must change jobs and even careers in order to maintain bodily autonomy.

Along with this, we are discovering that young boys as well as girls under the ages of 18 are being sexually abused.  Stats are varied and changing as the whole scope of sexual abuse in our culture is slowly becoming clearer, but the most recent I have seen are 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 7 boys.  This is a major change from the 1 in 53 boys that RAINN is still citing.  Slowly, men of all ages are coming forward with their own #metoo stories. 

I would like to point out that the women who are advocating listening to Biden’s accusers are not complaining about hugs, pecks on the cheeks, pats on the shoulders.  They are complaining about smelling of hair, stroking of hair, hands on the body uncomfortably close to breasts or bottoms, hands resting on thighs, but most of all are concerns for the children who are pulling away, turning faces, hiding faces from unwanted or too familiar touches.  They are not complaining just about over familiarity, but invasion of PRIVATE bodily space without consent.

Yes.  Lucy Flores could have pulled her head forward, turned around and faced Vice President Biden and tell him “hands off”.  But he was the Vice President, present in Nevada to campaign for her.  The power differential here is enormous.

More concerning are the uncomfortable children, who have no voice with adults that they are being asked to trust.  They rely on the adults around them to keep them safe; to be their voices when they’re visibly uncomfortable.  We now know that most child sex abusers are people who are well known and trusted by the very people or ARE the very people who are supposed to keep them safe.  We now realize that “stranger danger” is a myth.  What does it tell the child, when their obvious reluctance to be touched or kissed is overridden by their parents?  What do they learn about their own bodily autonomy?

Most of us still don’t know the history of the people around us.  We don’t know if they had a history of childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse.  We don’t know if they were assaulted in the Military.  We don’t know what kinds of touch, hugs, kisses are uncomfortable or even triggering for these people.  Because I am a survivor of both sexual and emotional abuse,  and because I want children to know that I respect their autonomy, I ALWAYS ask both children and adults if they are okay with a hug and I respect their answers.  In my work as an Occupational Therapist, I worked with kids with Autism and other sensory processing disorders that made them actually ill or kicked in fight, flight or fright responses when touched, especially without warning.  This can be genetic, but is also a typical response for children who have undergone multiple invasive medical procedures.  It is also a response for soldiers in combat, people who have been physically, emotionally or sexually assaulted, prisoners of war, for people who have been tortured, etc.

It should no longer be up to the individual person to have to fight off unwanted and inappropriate touch.  This is a global concern.  In Africa, some tribes iron the breasts of adolescent girls and bind them so that they don’t attract the unwanted attention of men.  We should not be expecting people to be fighting off unwanted touch.  We should be raising our boys and girls, retraining our adults, to respect the physical space of others including their physical body.  A mature society respects all members, all ages, and all genders and allows them to say how they are to be treated.

Tarin Ann Vincent

Copyright April 3, 2019

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Places of the Heart

In 2000, after I walked the Honolulu Marathon with my husband to raise money for the Arthritis Foundation, I decided to go off of the anti-depressent that I was on for my Fibromyalgia.  I did this, without consulting my physician, unaware that I would need to taper myself off of the medication.  I fell into a deep, suicidal depression.  It took awhile, but I contacted my Family Nurse Practirtioner, who was able to see me immediately; putting me back on an antidepressent and getting me into a Therapist.

I realized I needed to make changes, if I was to survive.  A co-worker reccommended that I move from my shared office with a controling co-worker who took up 3/4 of the office space with herself and her clutter, and move into an office housing equipment used very seldom.  I set up a Zen space.  A water fountain, Japanese Lanterns, a sand bowl, plants, and those electronic scent dispersers.  It made all the difference in the world.  Despite the fact that I used the space to make phone calls and write my Progress Notes, it was a space where I could decompress, calm and regroup.  People would drop by whether I was present or not; listen to the fountain, play in the sand.  It wa not only a space for me, it became a space for all.

When I got sick and could no longer work, I let all my hobbies go.  Photography, gardening, stained glass, batik. Laughing.  About 8 years into my illness, the weeds had utterly and completely taken over the flower beds.  I’m not sure what changed, perhaps I was put on a better antidepressant?  But I decided I would take back the garden. One bed at a time. It took me 4 years. Then. I bought a flying pig. A big one. Nothing flashy, it was green.  I noticed it missing one day.  I found it in our propagne grill, an apple by its nose.  Which is the same as an eye roll from my family and proof that I live in a house with Gremlins. 

My garden is me.  Special and magical. There are things.  My family calls them “Tschotschkes”. Nothing anywhere close to garden gnomes.  Nothing cutesy, bright or garish.  I prefer the subtle; as if it grew whole cloth from the soil or crawling on a tree.  A pig here,a lizard there, birds and frogs, even a fairy.  Hiding under leaves, peeking through the bushes. There is beautiful Haitian Oil Drum Art on the fences.  My family teases me every time I buy something new when we go on vacation.  According to my family, I have achieved maximum Tschotschke capacity in the garden.  My Tschotschkes tell the story of my life, my travels, my garden.  My family and I even painted a mural on the formerly severely white wall of the garage, forming much of the South end of the yard. My husband painted the base coats.  I painted the trees and flowers.  My daughter painted a beautiful mandala sun, flying in the sky.  My son outlined the painted birdhouse...each gremlin to his/her own talents. 

 Last summer, I was able to find waterproof solar candles to put in the 20 plus lanterns I have in the gardent.  We

sit on the patio, listening to the stillness, watch the light fade from the sky, leaving colors in its wake.  And slowly, almost magically, the lights come on; hung from trees, fenceposts, in garden beds, shining on plants, into the warm summer air.   Every summer, I give a Garden Party. And we have a Scavenger Hunt with prizes. It’s wonderful and silly and magical.  As it should be.  Because. What else should life be about, but friends, laughter, beauty and magic?  

Make a place for yourself.  Where you can breathe.  Where you can be.  Surrounded by life and beautiful things.  A place where you can be by yourself, or when you want, where you can invite friends.  Every summer. I give a Garden Party. And we have a Scavenger Hunt with prizes. It’s wonderful and silly and magical.  As it should be.  Because. What else should life be about, but friends, laughter, beauty and magic?