I seem to be in the middle of a crisis of....faith? hope? love? I have been unable to post because of this. So, apologies. You as reader, will be witness, confessor, observer. If this places you in a place of discomfort.... So. Perhaps this will be, for both of us, an AFGO. Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.
I have always prided(?) myself in being a passionate person. I believe that I love passionately and fiercely. I am willing to throw myself in emotional and physical harms way for my children. I have battled teachers, principals, even my own husband in defense of them. This is a source of amusement, chagrin and pride for them both. Despite initial expressions of discomfort, my children will recount past battles with pride, even offering my services to friends. This is my fierce love for my offspring.
Yet...for my husband....despite 28 years of commitment and marriage, I don't know if I know how to love this way. Any more? Ever? Is my love changing? Leaving? Was it never there? I can't say.
Why am I here, questioning this love? I have been here before. Too many times. My husband's commitment is not in doubt. He seems able to weather adversities, and not ask too much of a marriage. I seem to be more demanding. Disgruntled, dissatisfied if certain needs aren't met. Am I fickle? Do I not know how to CHOOSE to love? My love for my children, family members, just is. It comes with the territory. I may question relationships, but I never question that love.
Specifics. I met my husband at Girl Scout Camp. I know. Funny. I was 23. He was 21. I was in transition. When I left the Peace Corps, I gave up teaching...forever....which lasted 4 years. When I met my husband, I had just spent the 10 months following my departure from the Peace Corps, as a Bar Maid at a Country Western Bar with a mechanical bull a la Urban Cowboy. I was spending the summer in the mountains of New Mexico as a Camp Counselor with my dearest friend from college. I was expecting to move to North Carolina to see if a long time friendship with a friend from college had romantic potential. He was the one who was always there for adventure, for partying (though he didn't drink, he loved to party). He was one of those people who could go to bum fuck America, and find something wonderful to do that even the locals didn't know about. I had always kept him at arms length as a friend, though I think, he would have changed our relationship at a moment's notice.
So, I went to Girl Scout Camp to get away from men. And fell into a relationship with the only male, besides the married camp caretaker at Camp. He fell hard for me. He courted me with love notes placed in sleeping bags, in my cubby in the staff house. We spent almost every 2 hour break, and every 24 hour off (we got 24 hours off each week) together. We were fairly secretive, always spending our 24's away from camp. By the time everybody else at Camp figured out we were having an "affair", it was old news. My husband fell hard, I was more reluctant, still planning to move out East. Till a fateful phone call to my friend in North Carolina towards the end of the summer. "I've met someone." He says. "Well fine!" I say. "I've met someone too!" Was my husband the default? I've always maintained that each of my relationships with men, got me further and further away from attractive "bad boys" and closer to "real people" who would love me fiercely for me, and not for whatever benefits might come their way from a relationship with me. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my "prince". We lived together for 3 years before I proposed to him.
He has stuck with me through multiple jobs; construction worker, Special Education Teacher, Occupational Therapist. He moved with me to Graduate School, and supported us through 2 1/2 years of the Masters Program, and 6 months of Internships. We were drawn together because of our mutual love of the outdoors. We have hiked, camped, backpacked and traveled our way through our marriage. Our political views are compatible. Our child-rearing philosophies evolved, to the point I would say that they are fairly cohesive now, though sharply different initially. We have always been each other's partner in adventure. Now this is changed. I can go on intermittent short walks,hikes and bike rides. I still love to camp. But the greater adventures, the strenuous hikes, bike rides and backpacking trips I can no longer do. Where I was his adventure buddy, our children now take that place. But they live 300 miles away.
This change in my function has changed us. I have gained 35-40 pounds (it fluctuates). Our sex life is affected. He has in the past said that he is no longer physically attracted to me, though he still loves me. Two years ago, I left him to spend almost 2 months with my mother and her husband. I was ready to call it quits. I felt as if he could no longer tolerate being around me. That every word, action, thought of mine was met by his disdain and disregard. I was making plans to rent an apartment. It took us a couple of months to find a counselor, but he agreed to go through counseling with me. In these sessions, he said he still loved me. I told him that I could not change the fact that I could no longer do the things he had previously expected of me. That it was hard enough just coping with my pain and dysfunction without having to accommodate him. I challenged him, saying that if he couldn't accept me as I am now, I could no longer be with him. It is hard enough fighting my deficits and challenges without worrying about him. He swore that he could cope. So, with these changes and understandings, I chose to stay. We agreed to communicate more rather than assuming. He agreed to show more overt signs of affection.
So, how are we doing? Though we both pick up the house, no one cleans, mops, vacuums regularly. I CAN'T clean the bathroom because of the toxicity and smells of the bathroom cleaners. I will get disgusted with the state of the floors and sweep, mop, vacuum, but I pay for it in low back pain, that makes it difficult to stand fully erect. We cook separately because of my food allergies. He shops for himself, I shop for both of us. I don't ask him to cook or run errands for me, because he has refused in the past, and I couldn't tolerate it, if he rejected my request. I often go hungry because I don't have the energy to cook for myself, and am afraid to ask him to cook for me.
When I started this blog, he said, "What's the point?" When I came back from my emotionally draining visit with my friend who is going through a divorce from her abusive husband of 20 years, and her equally abusive teenage sons, he said he didn't want to hear about it. That he couldn't understand why I let myself "get sucked in." I responded that I cared for this friend. That this was a time of need for her, and I was happy that I could help her. My husband is anti-social and intolerant of stupid people. I love to be with people, and crave outside interactions. Our physical relationship is intermittent and dependent on my energy and pain levels. I feel that he doesn't understand and appreciate the parts of me that I most value; my creativity, my fierceness, my sense of humor, my passion. Do I hold these hurts inside? Do I keep and count them against him? Perhaps. Do I know how to love? I don't know. Do I feel valued in this marriage? No.
I am seeing my counselor again. Just myself. The last session with my husband, he said he was done with the counseling, that he didn't see the point in continuing because everything that needed to be said had been said and dealt with. We promised to be more communicative, he promised to be more overtly affectionate. We can go days without kissing, if I don't initiate it. Am I expecting too much? Should I feel valued for who and what I am? How do I love? DO I love? Above all, I want to feel cherished. I don't. Is this too much? Am I expecting too much? Do I take without giving? At my last session, my counselor asked me if I loved my husband. I said I didn't know. I care for him. I care about him. Do I love him?
I don't know. I despair. I struggle. What will I choose? Will I choose? Or just abide.
In Peace,
Kismet
I have always prided(?) myself in being a passionate person. I believe that I love passionately and fiercely. I am willing to throw myself in emotional and physical harms way for my children. I have battled teachers, principals, even my own husband in defense of them. This is a source of amusement, chagrin and pride for them both. Despite initial expressions of discomfort, my children will recount past battles with pride, even offering my services to friends. This is my fierce love for my offspring.
Yet...for my husband....despite 28 years of commitment and marriage, I don't know if I know how to love this way. Any more? Ever? Is my love changing? Leaving? Was it never there? I can't say.
Why am I here, questioning this love? I have been here before. Too many times. My husband's commitment is not in doubt. He seems able to weather adversities, and not ask too much of a marriage. I seem to be more demanding. Disgruntled, dissatisfied if certain needs aren't met. Am I fickle? Do I not know how to CHOOSE to love? My love for my children, family members, just is. It comes with the territory. I may question relationships, but I never question that love.
Specifics. I met my husband at Girl Scout Camp. I know. Funny. I was 23. He was 21. I was in transition. When I left the Peace Corps, I gave up teaching...forever....which lasted 4 years. When I met my husband, I had just spent the 10 months following my departure from the Peace Corps, as a Bar Maid at a Country Western Bar with a mechanical bull a la Urban Cowboy. I was spending the summer in the mountains of New Mexico as a Camp Counselor with my dearest friend from college. I was expecting to move to North Carolina to see if a long time friendship with a friend from college had romantic potential. He was the one who was always there for adventure, for partying (though he didn't drink, he loved to party). He was one of those people who could go to bum fuck America, and find something wonderful to do that even the locals didn't know about. I had always kept him at arms length as a friend, though I think, he would have changed our relationship at a moment's notice.
So, I went to Girl Scout Camp to get away from men. And fell into a relationship with the only male, besides the married camp caretaker at Camp. He fell hard for me. He courted me with love notes placed in sleeping bags, in my cubby in the staff house. We spent almost every 2 hour break, and every 24 hour off (we got 24 hours off each week) together. We were fairly secretive, always spending our 24's away from camp. By the time everybody else at Camp figured out we were having an "affair", it was old news. My husband fell hard, I was more reluctant, still planning to move out East. Till a fateful phone call to my friend in North Carolina towards the end of the summer. "I've met someone." He says. "Well fine!" I say. "I've met someone too!" Was my husband the default? I've always maintained that each of my relationships with men, got me further and further away from attractive "bad boys" and closer to "real people" who would love me fiercely for me, and not for whatever benefits might come their way from a relationship with me. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my "prince". We lived together for 3 years before I proposed to him.
He has stuck with me through multiple jobs; construction worker, Special Education Teacher, Occupational Therapist. He moved with me to Graduate School, and supported us through 2 1/2 years of the Masters Program, and 6 months of Internships. We were drawn together because of our mutual love of the outdoors. We have hiked, camped, backpacked and traveled our way through our marriage. Our political views are compatible. Our child-rearing philosophies evolved, to the point I would say that they are fairly cohesive now, though sharply different initially. We have always been each other's partner in adventure. Now this is changed. I can go on intermittent short walks,hikes and bike rides. I still love to camp. But the greater adventures, the strenuous hikes, bike rides and backpacking trips I can no longer do. Where I was his adventure buddy, our children now take that place. But they live 300 miles away.
This change in my function has changed us. I have gained 35-40 pounds (it fluctuates). Our sex life is affected. He has in the past said that he is no longer physically attracted to me, though he still loves me. Two years ago, I left him to spend almost 2 months with my mother and her husband. I was ready to call it quits. I felt as if he could no longer tolerate being around me. That every word, action, thought of mine was met by his disdain and disregard. I was making plans to rent an apartment. It took us a couple of months to find a counselor, but he agreed to go through counseling with me. In these sessions, he said he still loved me. I told him that I could not change the fact that I could no longer do the things he had previously expected of me. That it was hard enough just coping with my pain and dysfunction without having to accommodate him. I challenged him, saying that if he couldn't accept me as I am now, I could no longer be with him. It is hard enough fighting my deficits and challenges without worrying about him. He swore that he could cope. So, with these changes and understandings, I chose to stay. We agreed to communicate more rather than assuming. He agreed to show more overt signs of affection.
So, how are we doing? Though we both pick up the house, no one cleans, mops, vacuums regularly. I CAN'T clean the bathroom because of the toxicity and smells of the bathroom cleaners. I will get disgusted with the state of the floors and sweep, mop, vacuum, but I pay for it in low back pain, that makes it difficult to stand fully erect. We cook separately because of my food allergies. He shops for himself, I shop for both of us. I don't ask him to cook or run errands for me, because he has refused in the past, and I couldn't tolerate it, if he rejected my request. I often go hungry because I don't have the energy to cook for myself, and am afraid to ask him to cook for me.
When I started this blog, he said, "What's the point?" When I came back from my emotionally draining visit with my friend who is going through a divorce from her abusive husband of 20 years, and her equally abusive teenage sons, he said he didn't want to hear about it. That he couldn't understand why I let myself "get sucked in." I responded that I cared for this friend. That this was a time of need for her, and I was happy that I could help her. My husband is anti-social and intolerant of stupid people. I love to be with people, and crave outside interactions. Our physical relationship is intermittent and dependent on my energy and pain levels. I feel that he doesn't understand and appreciate the parts of me that I most value; my creativity, my fierceness, my sense of humor, my passion. Do I hold these hurts inside? Do I keep and count them against him? Perhaps. Do I know how to love? I don't know. Do I feel valued in this marriage? No.
I am seeing my counselor again. Just myself. The last session with my husband, he said he was done with the counseling, that he didn't see the point in continuing because everything that needed to be said had been said and dealt with. We promised to be more communicative, he promised to be more overtly affectionate. We can go days without kissing, if I don't initiate it. Am I expecting too much? Should I feel valued for who and what I am? How do I love? DO I love? Above all, I want to feel cherished. I don't. Is this too much? Am I expecting too much? Do I take without giving? At my last session, my counselor asked me if I loved my husband. I said I didn't know. I care for him. I care about him. Do I love him?
I don't know. I despair. I struggle. What will I choose? Will I choose? Or just abide.
In Peace,
Kismet
We love you and are very sad for you. We'll pray for both of you. H&N
ReplyDeleteSo sad to read this. It's been my experience with both of my marriages that "love" is ever changing. Just as our life experience make us into who we are, so does love. We often make radical choices/decisions because we don't feel the fairy tale any more. "Love" is so much deeper than a feeling. I pray that you can both honestly examine your relationship, where you've been and where you might be going, and make the best decisions you can with that information. Much Love, D
ReplyDeleteBeen there and held on for 10 years. Looking back at it I wish that I had let go of the relationship,but He finally did. If You are having all these thoughts(I did) it's time to move on. I tried to hold on to a sinking ship and it finally sunk. Life is too short to be unsure. If love is still there You wouldn't question it. I'm sending You much love and if You want to talk I'm just a call away. Much love and blessings to You.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of women eventually find themselves in your situation even if they feel like they have good, loving marriages. Commitment is not just showing up for the dance every day. It is embracing the dance whether that brings good things or not. Some how we have developed an unrealistic view of what it means to grow old together. You have health problems that you cannot overcome. And they have caused great losses to you, your work, your social life and your intimacy with your husband. But it shouldn't be that way. As I go through my own medical treatments, I am constantly seeing people in their 70s holding hands as they visit the doctor together, trying to help each other still make it through each day. Your husband sounds selfish. How dare he tell you that you are unattractive? I doubt it is true and what did he expect, a 21-yearold goddess for the rest of his life. I'm sure he is not as perfect as he used to be. It is down right mean to treat your this way as though you were defective. You need to be the strong woman you are and tell him he needs to face up to reality of your situation. Part of that is helping you figure out how to get chores done that you are no longer capable of doing. If he cannot or won't address these things then you might say "I have had enough." But I think you have enough in your marriage and in your love to fight through this battle. But now is the time to stand your ground. You deserve to be treated better than this. and if the health situation was reversed, I don't believe you would be unwilling to help him through it or say such mean things.
ReplyDelete