I am agog, agoggle, flusterclucked, amazed and furious. I just got off the phone with the husband of my friend who is in the process of divorcing him. I was attempting to impress on him that she does not have the money that he is asking for to reimburse him for her car insurance. I have never spoken with somebody that every word out of their mouth is a lie. I am almost wordless. I don't even know how to explain this. But my head is full of this story, and cannot embrace new words until this story is told.
This man brings home 3-4 times the money that his wife does. Granted, he is paying his apartment rent and their mortgage payment, both. At the beginning of this divorce, my friend met with a financial planner supplied by the military, from which her husband was preparing to retire. The financial planner told her that their combined incomes could not support two households, and agreed to meet with her husband. At the meeting, which she she did not attend, the financial planner presented the husband with the numbers. Her husband presented his own version of numbers which excluded important things like groceries and gas for each of them. The financial planner predicted that he would be facing bankruptcy by October or November. The husband rejected this information. So now, he is talking to me on the phone, telling me he doesn't have the money. Color me surprised! I have agreed to talk to him only because she is at wits end and in tears every time she tries to pay bills with money she does not have. The paperwork that he sent in to file for a short sale says that he has a surplus of $1000/mo. The husband, we'll call him Dick, because I think that it's appropriate, says that he is only bringing home $6000,00/mo. That was on his old salary. His pay stub supplied by his JAG says that his new salary is $95,000.00/yr. I asked him if he lied on the short sale paperwork. He paused. "I don't have that paperwork in front of me."
"She refuses to give up her car. I had a buyer for it, and was even willing to pay $1,000.00." He says.
"Why should she give up the car? It's the only decent thing she's getting out of the whole marriage." I respond. "Besides. What's she supposed to drive?" I ask.
"The van." he says.
"But your son drives the van."
"That doesn't matter." He responds.
"Even if she gave up the Mustang, she would still be short $400.00/ mo. And the van (a full-sized conversion van) is a gas guzzler and in need of repairs." I say.
"What else is she paying for?" he asks.
I list, "Discover Card, $100.00, Capitol One $202.00, Utilities $300.00, Private Detective $50.00, Cable Bill $273.00. cell phones $250. Gas and groceries alone are $900.00/month."
"How's that?" He interrupts. "I pay $400.00/month for gas and I commute, and I only pay $400.00 for groceries, she's mismanaging."
I calmly reply "That's fucking bullshit! I spend at least $600/mo. and there's only the two of us."
"I shop at the commissary." He says.
" Well, she doesn't have the money you are asking for."
"What am I asking for?" he says.
"Car Insurance." I say.
"Well, I don't have it."
"Well neither does she, you'll have to let it lapse." This elicits a whole tirade about the bank not covering the loan if the car isn't insured. I have no response. Discussion of the cable bill elicits accusations. She wanted to disconnect. He says that she could have had the same deal he has, but she refused and said she was going to handle it. This was when he took her to the bank to the joint savings account which held money from the sale of the jointly owned trailer, and would only sign out for the money if she wrote out the checks for the bills in front of him. He continues to refuse her access to the balance, even for bills. When I spoke with her, his cable deal was only available to his apartment complex. I vaguely remembering this from discussing it all with her when it was happening.
I say, "It's very hard..." He interrupts me with, "You're biased." I say, "Please, don't finish my sentences for me. I was going to say that it is very hard to talk finances when neither party has money."
He doesn't respond to this, instead trying to bring up the car again, and I repeat that she still wouldn't have money to cover the utilities, cable and insurance even if she wasn't paying for the car.
He replies. "And it's her own damn fault she's paying for a private eye."
I'm done. "You were fucking around on her!"I shout. He argues. "She has DVD footage of you in an embrace with another woman at the airport, and kissing her intimately. That same private detective witnessed you and that woman at a hotel with her and her suitcase on that same weekend." A pause..."Well, what am I supposed to think?" he replies. I am nonplussed, not to mention, confused. "What is SHE supposed to think?" I yell!
And then he says, "And she's paying $300/month for a lawyer when we agreed we were going to deal with the divorce without going to a lawyer."
"I TOLD her to get a lawyer, because you cannot be trusted." I say.
He pauses. "We could have each had our own Judge Advocate General, and they could have represented each of us." he says.
"She went to the JAG." I say, "And he told her that he could not represent her and that she would have to get civilian representation."
"Are you saying that my JAG is lying?" he asks.
"I am saying that her facts are incorrect" I say. "And besides, I'M paying for her lawyer."
"I'm done!" he shouts. "You're biased! I'm tired of being painted the bad guy in this and with Drew (his 16 y.o. with ADHD).. I'm finished! I'm hanging up now." (This is his classic response when in conversation with his wife and she refuses to be intimidated , and comes up with something he can't lie his way out of.
"You can't keep running away by hanging up." I say. "You're going to have to accept the fact that this is the best that she can do and she just doesn't have the money." I hear a click.
I send him a text. "Kelly can't give you what she doesn't have and hanging up on me won't change that. Crunch the numbers."
To which he texts back, "She also didn't include what she makes from painting. She made and continues to make choices she does and can't recognize it. (I guess he's blaming her for not making as much money as he does. She quit college to marry him and bear and raise his children and supported him through his 20 year military career). I am done speaking with you about this because you don't have an unbiased opinion about it."
My last text to him is, "Numbers don't lie. She doesn't have $ to give you! End of story."
I am breathless. I call my friend up and tell her not to discuss finances with him any more. He is a pathological liar and was lying the whole time he was talking to me. (I believe I may have also mentioned that he is psychotic, not diagnosing...just saying.)
I don't know how she does it. I don't know how she will do it. He is going behind her back on a number of things, including enrolling their son in college, arranging meetings and college trips without telling her. I told her to just give it up. Her son a senior in High School, lives with him now, and she no longer has the physical advantage of that son in her home, nor does that son deal with her appropriately He tells her that it's her own fault she can't make enough money now because she failed college. He calls demanding supper when he knows she's on her way home from work, then doesn't show up for supper, call or answer phone calls. He demands money for gas.
They are trying to schedule this same son's shoulder surgery, and her husband is sabotaging the appointments, etc. I tell her that she might as well make the break now, to stop trying to facilitate, and make up for her husband's failure to follow through. Her son willingly left her home to live with his Dad. They are not even TRYING to work with her. She should just let them fail on their own, because she is going to have to let go of it sooner or later, as the son is no longer physically with her. Best to totally let go when she chooses, rather than try and stay in the game to fix things and be blamed for it when things inevitably go wrong.
So, in the bigger picture... I am so glad that my husband is not manipulative and a pathological liar. I am glad that my friend Kelly has a budding romance with someone who knows how to love unconditionally. This is the only time I have agreed to try to speak with her husband since he initiated the divorce. I will not speak to him again. I encourage her to speak with him as little as possible, and to refuse to argue about things, because he changes facts, refuses to accept them, only wants to win and is not interested in the truth or what is best for his children. It's all about control. We are fully aware that there are unacknowledged disabilities that he (the husband) has that interfere with his interactions, but he refuses to acknowledge his weaknesses and ask for or accept help. The safest thing for her at this time is to interact with him as little as possible, protect herself, and protect the child that is still living with her.
We cannot change that which will not be changed. We can only refuse to be used and hurt and stand in our own truths. God grant this child the strength to remain standing in her truth.
In Hope and Truth,
Kismet
Copyright May 2, 2013
This man brings home 3-4 times the money that his wife does. Granted, he is paying his apartment rent and their mortgage payment, both. At the beginning of this divorce, my friend met with a financial planner supplied by the military, from which her husband was preparing to retire. The financial planner told her that their combined incomes could not support two households, and agreed to meet with her husband. At the meeting, which she she did not attend, the financial planner presented the husband with the numbers. Her husband presented his own version of numbers which excluded important things like groceries and gas for each of them. The financial planner predicted that he would be facing bankruptcy by October or November. The husband rejected this information. So now, he is talking to me on the phone, telling me he doesn't have the money. Color me surprised! I have agreed to talk to him only because she is at wits end and in tears every time she tries to pay bills with money she does not have. The paperwork that he sent in to file for a short sale says that he has a surplus of $1000/mo. The husband, we'll call him Dick, because I think that it's appropriate, says that he is only bringing home $6000,00/mo. That was on his old salary. His pay stub supplied by his JAG says that his new salary is $95,000.00/yr. I asked him if he lied on the short sale paperwork. He paused. "I don't have that paperwork in front of me."
"She refuses to give up her car. I had a buyer for it, and was even willing to pay $1,000.00." He says.
"Why should she give up the car? It's the only decent thing she's getting out of the whole marriage." I respond. "Besides. What's she supposed to drive?" I ask.
"The van." he says.
"But your son drives the van."
"That doesn't matter." He responds.
"Even if she gave up the Mustang, she would still be short $400.00/ mo. And the van (a full-sized conversion van) is a gas guzzler and in need of repairs." I say.
"What else is she paying for?" he asks.
I list, "Discover Card, $100.00, Capitol One $202.00, Utilities $300.00, Private Detective $50.00, Cable Bill $273.00. cell phones $250. Gas and groceries alone are $900.00/month."
"How's that?" He interrupts. "I pay $400.00/month for gas and I commute, and I only pay $400.00 for groceries, she's mismanaging."
I calmly reply "That's fucking bullshit! I spend at least $600/mo. and there's only the two of us."
"I shop at the commissary." He says.
" Well, she doesn't have the money you are asking for."
"What am I asking for?" he says.
"Car Insurance." I say.
"Well, I don't have it."
"Well neither does she, you'll have to let it lapse." This elicits a whole tirade about the bank not covering the loan if the car isn't insured. I have no response. Discussion of the cable bill elicits accusations. She wanted to disconnect. He says that she could have had the same deal he has, but she refused and said she was going to handle it. This was when he took her to the bank to the joint savings account which held money from the sale of the jointly owned trailer, and would only sign out for the money if she wrote out the checks for the bills in front of him. He continues to refuse her access to the balance, even for bills. When I spoke with her, his cable deal was only available to his apartment complex. I vaguely remembering this from discussing it all with her when it was happening.
I say, "It's very hard..." He interrupts me with, "You're biased." I say, "Please, don't finish my sentences for me. I was going to say that it is very hard to talk finances when neither party has money."
He doesn't respond to this, instead trying to bring up the car again, and I repeat that she still wouldn't have money to cover the utilities, cable and insurance even if she wasn't paying for the car.
He replies. "And it's her own damn fault she's paying for a private eye."
I'm done. "You were fucking around on her!"I shout. He argues. "She has DVD footage of you in an embrace with another woman at the airport, and kissing her intimately. That same private detective witnessed you and that woman at a hotel with her and her suitcase on that same weekend." A pause..."Well, what am I supposed to think?" he replies. I am nonplussed, not to mention, confused. "What is SHE supposed to think?" I yell!
And then he says, "And she's paying $300/month for a lawyer when we agreed we were going to deal with the divorce without going to a lawyer."
"I TOLD her to get a lawyer, because you cannot be trusted." I say.
He pauses. "We could have each had our own Judge Advocate General, and they could have represented each of us." he says.
"She went to the JAG." I say, "And he told her that he could not represent her and that she would have to get civilian representation."
"Are you saying that my JAG is lying?" he asks.
"I am saying that her facts are incorrect" I say. "And besides, I'M paying for her lawyer."
"I'm done!" he shouts. "You're biased! I'm tired of being painted the bad guy in this and with Drew (his 16 y.o. with ADHD).. I'm finished! I'm hanging up now." (This is his classic response when in conversation with his wife and she refuses to be intimidated , and comes up with something he can't lie his way out of.
"You can't keep running away by hanging up." I say. "You're going to have to accept the fact that this is the best that she can do and she just doesn't have the money." I hear a click.
I send him a text. "Kelly can't give you what she doesn't have and hanging up on me won't change that. Crunch the numbers."
To which he texts back, "She also didn't include what she makes from painting. She made and continues to make choices she does and can't recognize it. (I guess he's blaming her for not making as much money as he does. She quit college to marry him and bear and raise his children and supported him through his 20 year military career). I am done speaking with you about this because you don't have an unbiased opinion about it."
My last text to him is, "Numbers don't lie. She doesn't have $ to give you! End of story."
I am breathless. I call my friend up and tell her not to discuss finances with him any more. He is a pathological liar and was lying the whole time he was talking to me. (I believe I may have also mentioned that he is psychotic, not diagnosing...just saying.)
I don't know how she does it. I don't know how she will do it. He is going behind her back on a number of things, including enrolling their son in college, arranging meetings and college trips without telling her. I told her to just give it up. Her son a senior in High School, lives with him now, and she no longer has the physical advantage of that son in her home, nor does that son deal with her appropriately He tells her that it's her own fault she can't make enough money now because she failed college. He calls demanding supper when he knows she's on her way home from work, then doesn't show up for supper, call or answer phone calls. He demands money for gas.
They are trying to schedule this same son's shoulder surgery, and her husband is sabotaging the appointments, etc. I tell her that she might as well make the break now, to stop trying to facilitate, and make up for her husband's failure to follow through. Her son willingly left her home to live with his Dad. They are not even TRYING to work with her. She should just let them fail on their own, because she is going to have to let go of it sooner or later, as the son is no longer physically with her. Best to totally let go when she chooses, rather than try and stay in the game to fix things and be blamed for it when things inevitably go wrong.
So, in the bigger picture... I am so glad that my husband is not manipulative and a pathological liar. I am glad that my friend Kelly has a budding romance with someone who knows how to love unconditionally. This is the only time I have agreed to try to speak with her husband since he initiated the divorce. I will not speak to him again. I encourage her to speak with him as little as possible, and to refuse to argue about things, because he changes facts, refuses to accept them, only wants to win and is not interested in the truth or what is best for his children. It's all about control. We are fully aware that there are unacknowledged disabilities that he (the husband) has that interfere with his interactions, but he refuses to acknowledge his weaknesses and ask for or accept help. The safest thing for her at this time is to interact with him as little as possible, protect herself, and protect the child that is still living with her.
We cannot change that which will not be changed. We can only refuse to be used and hurt and stand in our own truths. God grant this child the strength to remain standing in her truth.
In Hope and Truth,
Kismet
Copyright May 2, 2013
No comments:
Post a Comment
Share your own stories. When commenting on controversial topics, please be respectful. I want this space to be where all feel welcomed,wanted, respected