What You Do, What You Be

Who am I?  An age old question asked often throughout a lifetime.  Teens in angst, adults during times when they lose their livelihoods, homes, families, or the ability to work.  So much of what we do, defines us in our minds and in the minds of others.  We are a therapist, a teacher, an athlete, an intellectual, a musician.   In addition, we can add our hobbies, hiker, photographer, biker, gardener, bicyclist,etc.  What happens when we can no longer do?   When we just must be?  Our self-concept suffers drastically when we can no longer "do".  When we can't work, when our hobbies are only fond memories.   If our "disability" is severe enough and pain and fatigue rule our lives, even our ability to "be" suffers.  We can't remember who we are and how we were.  At my most severe, I lost the ability to laugh and joke.  I couldn't remember joy.  I was not only locked inside my body, I was kept inside my house.  I hadn't the energy even to use the phone.  Talking and thinking take so much energy.  Talking on the phone, even more.  Most of my friends were at work or church.  When I became unable to do or attend either one, I lost my friends except for a few hearty souls with the hearts of angels, who would call or show up on my doorstep, ready to accept whatever form of dishabille I was in.  No friends, no self, no fun, no laughter, no joy.

So how do you just be?  We as Americans are terrible at this skill.  Knowing the inner self and just "be"-ing is not our forte, and is not valued.  But, how many people are in this same state of "grace" or "DIS-grace" as some would describe it.  I listen to a show on NPR;  Krista Tippet on "Being".  She speaks with a number of notables who are  very attuned to self and to their spiritual journey.  I speak not only for myself, when I say that losing ones sense of self is very definitely attuned to losing one's faith.  You ask, "Why me?" and then you lose even the ability to think.  You just "is", sitting, breathing, alone with yourself.   And so, the inner journey.  But I must tell you, that you must have energy to do an inner journey a spiritual exploration.  Altho, this requires no feet, it definitely requires energy.

Merriam Webster defines being thusly:  
"1) a) the quality or state of having existence"   This, I can do.  I be, I exist.
"b) something conceivable as existing"   I am conceived, yes.  Again, I do exist.
"2) something that actually exists "  Check.  Same as above.
"3) the totality of existing things, conscious existence:  life"  Barely sometimes.  I live, I breathe, I exist.  What happens when I sleep?  And what if I sleep all the time?  I am no longer "conscious".  Do I cease to exist?

"2.  the qualities that constitute an existent thing; essence; especially personality"  Okay.  This is where I get lost, literally.  At my most sick,  I truly lost myself.  I existed, but my personality, what I valued about me, was gone.  My sense of humor, my joy, my laughter, my consciousness, my "me" was gone.

"3.  a living thing; especially:  person"  Okay, I am a BEING.  But barely.

And what if you are barely existing, with no personality, barely living, and seldom conscious.  I have a beloved friend who has been given 2-5 years to live.  She gets around with braces and a walker, she's on oxygen and sleeps a lot.  She is worried about being a good example for her grown children.  She is struggling with all things that require energy.  Beloved one.  Stop struggling.  Let it go.  You are an example for your children just by your existence.  Turn your energy inward, my friend.   Your biggest struggle is internal.  Let go of those physical things that require effort in the external world.  Just "be".  Because that is the most important thing for you right now.  You with your brilliant, artistic mind, your beautiful words and your books you are writing.  Please, let go of the unimportant.  Be strong on the inside, and you will find a peace and strength you had no idea existed.

So the struggle.  I have a soul friend.  She is a Garden Diva, and develops mindfulness, and her spirituality while gardening.  She was raised  very strict Christian but has gone on a couple of Buddhist retreats.  So, I explore Buddhism and am surprised to find out the following: (From Buddha.net)

Buddhism is indigenous to the Indian subcontinent.  Its very name is a variation of the Hindu word 'budhi' which means 'to awaken'.  It has its origins 2500 years ago when Siddhartha Gotama, Buddha, 'awakened' at the age of 35.  Okay.  I'm 54.  I can still 'awaken'.  It goes beyond religion and is considered a way of life.  It focuses on the following three precepts:
1) lead a moral life
2) to be mindful and aware of thoughts and actions
3) to develop wisdom and understanding

Buddha is not God or A God.  Buddhism is tolerant of all other beliefs and religions and does not seek to replace them.  Okay.  This is good.  I'm not ready to bag Christianity yet, although I am not happy with the history of the church; the Inquisition, the banishment and seizure of all holdings of The Templars, burning Joan of Arc and their wholesale Church Sanctioned burning of  village Wise Women and female healers in Europe during the Middle Ages. To be a Buddhist is to embrace the Four Noble Truths.

First Noble Truth
Life is suffering, pain, getting old, disease and ultimately death.  Check, I got this.
Second Noble Truth
Suffering is caused by craving and aversion.  We suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectations, want others to like us, if we do not get something we want, etc.  In short, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness.
Third Noble Truth
Suffering can be overcome, happiness can be attained, true happiness and contentment are possible.  Give up useless craving and learn to live each day at a time (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future), then we can become happy and free.  We then have more time and energy.  This is Nirvana.  Okay.  Live in the present.  Overcome my suffering.  I like both of those things, because that is what I have to do already.  Everything I plan is with the caveat "If I'm awake."  since I never know when I will be suffering from a food intolerance coma.
Fourth Noble Truth
Follow the Noble 8-Fold Path.  This is the path which leads to the end of suffering.  I'm in!!!  Sounds wonderful.  Take me there!!  Take my suffering away!!

So.  The Noble 8-Fold Path.  Requires being moral (thru what we say and do and our livelihood), focusing the mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, understanding the 4 Noble Truths and developing compassion for others.  Okay.  A little problem.  When I am in pain, I am not in my body.  I leave my body to escape the pain.  I have no balance, no awareness of where I am in space.  I bumble around, flailing through the house, gashes and scrapes on my hands, bruises on my hips and legs from corners taken too tight, hitting furniture and house.  Perhaps, it is the epitome of "unmindfulness" as I try to outrun my pain

There are Five Precepts to Buddhism:  not to take the life of anything living...I love my meat, it and fruits and vegetables are my mainstays.  I cannot eat processed foods.  I kill spiders and bugs.
Not to take anything not freely given.  This I strive for and always have.  My heroes in childhood were The Bobbsey Twins, forever getting in trouble, but as goodie two shoes as Sarah of Sunnybrook Farm.  
Abstain from sexual misconduct or sensual overindulgence. Got me there.  I'm not even sure what sexual misconduct means.  I am a sexual being.  I believe God created us this way for a purpose, not only for procreation, but for complete love and complete selves.  And sensuality.  I strive to CONNECT with my sensual self.  I revel in it.  I breathe, I shout, I wear bright colors, I play music loudly.  I am a loud, proud, sensual being.  Is this overindulgence?
To refrain from untrue speech.  Whew!  Is it possible in this day and age, to completely follow this....but then I have vowed to be true to myself, and this is what got me dismissed from volunteering in Kindergarten.  So, this is something I'm already working on.
To avoid intoxication.  I take a sip of wine as I type this.  Anggghhh!  Busted!  Okay....does tipsy count?  The thought is that with intoxication, you lose mindfulness.  But actually, if I avoid total inebriation, I find that a glass or two of wine often increases my mindfulness.  So...something to ponder.

And then there is the pic de resistance  Karma.  Karma is that belief that every cause has an effect.  To have a positive Karma you must consider:  the intention behind every action, the effects of the action on oneself and the effects of the action on others.

Buddhism believes that the solutions to our problems are within ourselves, not outside.  And so, this, I can DO, even when I can't BE.

Namaste,  (acknowledgement of the soul in one by the soul in another)

Kismet
copyright June 2013