How to Be an Angel; Random Acts of Wonder You Can Do For a Friend in Need

If you've been reading my postings the last couple of days, you have probably been coming to an understanding of how much ENERGY EVERYTHING takes.  This is the most true when it comes to socializing.  When I am locked in survival mode, I don't even think about calling or visiting with someone.  Thoughts/conversations don't flow.   I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other, to find the energy to just SURVIVE.  This does not mean that I wouldn't mind contact with the outside world.

I know that if you have a full-time job, are married and/or have kids, you are probably stretched to the limit in your own survival struggle.  I hope that you find helpful, these suggestions of things that you can do for any friend who has a chronic and/or debilitating illness, the housebound or the elderly.

First.  Know your friend.  Planning ahead rarely works for me, because until I get through the night, I do not know how I am going to be doing the next day.  If your friend has been struggling for a while, he/she probably realizes this, and has gained a little flexibility about pop-in visits.  My suggestion would be to show up at the door, and call them to see if this is a good time.  Stress to your friend that you don't care what she or her house, or her kids smell(s) or look(s) like.  This may be a little challenging for your friend to get over, but the more debilitated he/she is, the more easily she will be willing to accept your help and love.
  

• Include your friends needs in your errands, i.e.
• I'm picking up some Taco Johns, you want any.
• Going to the Bank
• Going to the Pharmacy
• Need anything from the grocery store.
• Have anything that needs to go back to the library?
• Mailing packages, need stamps, packages mailed?
• Dry cleaning?

The above suggestions are not meant to be offered in a complete package, but just as you are fulfilling your needs, she may have the same needs.

Most people do not respond to the generic "Call me/let me know if you need anything."  It's too big, too generic. If things are really rough, they need EVERYTHING, but can't think of anything.  I suggest pointed, targeted suggestions by you:

• Arrive, and say I'm doing your laundry.  Bring a movie and nail polish.
• I'm vacuuming/mopping/sweeping.
• Cleaning your bathroom.
• Changing your kitty litter.
• If they are a thwarted gardener, bring your kids over to play (if applicable) or to weed.  Depending on your friend's energy, they can lounge on the patio equipment/yoga mat/pillows while you and your children weed, and you visit.
• When you are cooking your meals, do a double batch to take over to your friend.  Be aware of allergies/dietary needs.
• Make random checks, ask if they have eaten today, be prepared to follow through on feeding them.
• Depending on their energy capacity, invite them and their family/spouse over.   If you know that this will be too much, invite yourself and fam over with pizza and a movie or games.
• I gained up to 60 lbs. when I stopped working and stopped being able to exercise.  Hated looking at myself, stopped buying clothes.  Pop over and do an Internet Shopping Spree.  Soft Surroundings Outlet has forgiving bling/bling tunics and comfy tops that flatter the mature shape.  These are probably most flattering for people with height, but I'm sure with some creative investigative googling, you can find some good, flattering, affordable clothing sources.
• Offer to wash her hair in the sink.
• Pamper, with facial, brush her hair (feels wonderfully relaxing), nail polish.
• Chick flick and popcorn night/day.
• Random commando phone calls of love and caring.
• Invite to lunch/happy hour as their energy level dictates.
• Send random texts.
• When you pick up greeting cards, pick up extras, stamp and drop off.

And the most valuable of all, just come and sit and hold their hand, and listen.  Invite them to share their sorrow or just bitch at the world/howl at the moon.  They are greeted with the lightly tossed off "How are you?" whenever they venture out.  Believe me, this is a LOADED QUESTION and most people with chronic illness can't even begin to answer the truth.  If they did, they would be a puddle of tears in front of gape-mouthed astonished people, who only meant to exchange pleasantries.  The best friend is one who is comfortable with silences, can sit and hold their hand, let them cry, doesn't feel like you need to "fix" them and just listens and lets their friend just "be".

If you bump into your friend out and about doing errands, and she/he looks great, don't assume that she no longer needs help.  You don't know how long it took her to get out the door, how long since the last time she did errands.  And there will be an energy barter/recovery for this jaunt.  It's all about endurance and recovery.  I can do ANYTHING once, it's the over and over stuff (like bathing, cooking, etc.) that I can't do.

Gifts

• If your friend is a reader, new & used paperbacks, e-book gift certificates, book store gift cards
• If your friend has children, be careful that what you give the children doesn't require too much tending by the adults in the house.  My son was given a National Geographic Terrarium with two tadpoles when he was 7.  Guess who got to take care of them.  The first tadpole died at 3 months (may not have helped that the cats knocked the terrarium off of the shelf at least 3 times.  It took a little over a year for the tadpole to turn into a frog...his tale was almost gone, when he flew away to heaven...I just bawled....then the same relative gave my son a terrarium...you guessed it, nothing grew....sigh
• I love plants, but my cats eat them.  Ask your friend before giving plants, if she/he can care for them.  If your friend is going thru chemotherapy, no plants.
• If your friend tolerates it, a massage gift certificate can be a gift sent from heaven.
• If your friend likes to listen to music, CD's given or loaned, or I-Pod Gift Certificates.

With the elderly, there is a generational pride in doing for one's self, and the necessity to maintain a proper facade, especially as it pertains to housekeeping.  I think with care and gentleness, you can work your way into helping your friend when/where she/he needs it most.

Do not burden yourself with guilt in trying to complete all these suggestions.  If you can even embrace one of these suggestions every 6 months, you will have brought your friend back into the human race one more time than without you.

Thank you for your metaphorical ears.

Peace,

Kismet