I have worked many jobs in my life. By far the hardest, most challenging and most fulfilling has been the job of raising children. Even as a child, I had a fascination with children younger than me. I loved their imaginations, their joy, and their altered, sometimes wacky view of life. This fascination fueled both my career choice, and the decision, that when I was ready, I would have children and raise a family. I think it was a foregone conclusion, that whoever I chose as a lifemate, would also want children and hopefully be a good father. This was entirely because out of all the potential attributes that a man could demonstrate, that got me all hot and bothered, first and foremost, was how he was around children. HUGE turn-on...very important.
All parents want to raise children that are self-confident, intelligent, independent, joyful, have friends, are respectful and respected. We want these children to have satisfying hobbies and a healthy world view. We would like them to be curious and inquiring. As they stand on the edge of adulthood, we would like them to be aware of their strengths and weaknesses and how to compensate for those weaknesses. When they graduate from High School if they don't have a career choice, it's okay, but we would like them to have a variety of interests that they would like to explore in hopes of a future career. We would like them to have healthy friendships and relationships and be able to look forward to being loved by and raising their own family if they so choose in the future. Most of all, you as a parent, want them be confident of your love for them, and feel confident in themselves as their own person.
I think there are a number of things that are very important to remember when setting about raising strong, confident and respectful children. First, being human, my husband and I even in the guises of Parents and Role Models are imperfect...yup, human. We can and DO make mistakes. I think it is very important that your child see you making mistakes, admitting to your errors and apologizing for them. This is probably the most important thing to model for your child. Otherwise, your child will have unrealistic expectations for others, but most importantly, for themselves. If your child grows up with the mistaken assumption that you, as their parent, are perfect, they will strive to reach for a goal that is unattainable. In other words, from the get-go, they will be destined for failure. This will destroy their self-esteem, lead to anxiety behaviors and depression.
The next premise that is very important when raising children, is that you respect your child as his own person with his own "free will". Just as our maker allows us to make our own choices about how we will live, make our own mistakes and to learn from these mistakes, so is it important that we allow our children this freedom. Again, figuring very prominently in this learning strategy is the opportunity to model making mistakes and learning from those mistakes. This is not the only thing that we model as parents. Believe me, your child will watch you like a hawk, and emulate you in ALL things. Nowhere else in life will it be so important to show the children, that though the things you tell them are important, you actually follow through physically on the things that you tell them to do. In fact they, will be much more inclined to do what you do, rather than what you say, especially when those two things are not compatible. As a parent, your days of anonymity are over. Your child will watch and observe your behavior in all arenas, and be taking notes, to boot. They will watch how you treat your spouse, how you treat their siblings. They will watch how you interact with other adults in all their capacities, whether they are the Post Man, the waitress, the Pastor, their Teachers, your relatives, your children's friends. The way you treat others in all their myriad positions will shape them in the respect they give others and their occupations. Humility or superiority will be modeled in this way. These interactions will also influence how they see themselves in their "world view", and how they impact others in the world. The best guideline to adopt when you interact with others in view of your children, is to treat these people, how you would want your child/children to be treated. The reverse of that coin is to insist/allow others to treat you how you should be treated, with respect.
Although I touched on this in the preceding paragraph, I think the single most important thing that you model is how you treat your spouse. Whether your child is male or female, how you treat your spouse impacts not only how they treat each of you as their mother or father, how they treat their future lovers/spouses, but most importantly how they allow themselves to be treated by their significant others. I cannot stress this next statement enough: do not allow your spouse to abuse you verbally, physically, or emotionally. Whatever you allow to become the norm for treatment of you, will become their norm, not only for you but for themselves. The best way to raise strong, confident children, is for you, yourself to be strong and confident, and not allow yourself to be bullied in any way. Demonstrate how to defend yourself, verbally and physically. In households where the spouse is abused, the children are usually themselves abused. Seek counseling immediately. If this is not effective, do whatever you need to do to get yourself and your child/children to a place of safety. It is also very important that you not allow your spouse to abuse your children. They have no one to protect them from your spouse except you. Don't allow shaming, inappropriate discipline, verbal, emotional or physical abuse. And most importantly, if you are EVER uncomfortable with the way your spouse interacts with your child/children through inappropriate physical play or sexual innuendo, be vigilant and get your child out of there. It is a horrible thing to suspect of your spouse or watch for. But this is an imperfect world and it happens. Hopefully, not to you children, but you MUST be aware.
Again, your life will become a litany of what you model. Pride in your job. Eating healthy. Engaging in healthy physical activities. Healthy interactions with mood-altering substances. Spirituality. Responsible citizenship. Environmental awareness and stewardship. Housekeeping skills. Healthy Friendships. Healthy Familial Interactions. Opinions about politics and the state of the nation and world.
As human beings, we have very different opinions about the world, and our place in it. We were all raised differently, and successful marriages rely heavily on our child-rearing practices being compatible. But I have found the following strategies to be important and true.
ALWAYS be your child's best advocate and biggest cheerleader. If you sense unfairness in how your child is being treated by others; whether it's other children, teachers, relatives, discuss the situation with your child. Give them the option of handling it with/without your support, or letting you handle it. You always want your child to come from a place of support and safety.
And the hardest thing. One in four adult women and one in ten adult men have experienced sexual abuse as a child. Children are more likely to be abused by an adult they and their parents know rather than strangers. We need to be aware of this, and teach our children at a young age that NO MATTER HOW WELL THEY OR WE KNOW THAT PERSON, OR HOW MUCH THEY AND WE TRUST THAT PERSON, IF OUR CHILD DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE ACTION OR THE TOUCH, TO LEAVE AND SEEK US OUT.
There's probably a myriad of topics I have not brushed on when it comes to parenting. Remember that these children are the most precious souls you'll ever know. Remember that you love them no matter the situation they're in. Treat them as beings that deserve respect and acknowledgement. If you discipline to teach and not to punish, I think you'll find that all paths are made easier. When they reach adulthood, you'll find that you have a beautiful, independent, confident son or daughter who has treasured and loyal friends and treats others with the love and respect that they deserve.
All parents want to raise children that are self-confident, intelligent, independent, joyful, have friends, are respectful and respected. We want these children to have satisfying hobbies and a healthy world view. We would like them to be curious and inquiring. As they stand on the edge of adulthood, we would like them to be aware of their strengths and weaknesses and how to compensate for those weaknesses. When they graduate from High School if they don't have a career choice, it's okay, but we would like them to have a variety of interests that they would like to explore in hopes of a future career. We would like them to have healthy friendships and relationships and be able to look forward to being loved by and raising their own family if they so choose in the future. Most of all, you as a parent, want them be confident of your love for them, and feel confident in themselves as their own person.
I think there are a number of things that are very important to remember when setting about raising strong, confident and respectful children. First, being human, my husband and I even in the guises of Parents and Role Models are imperfect...yup, human. We can and DO make mistakes. I think it is very important that your child see you making mistakes, admitting to your errors and apologizing for them. This is probably the most important thing to model for your child. Otherwise, your child will have unrealistic expectations for others, but most importantly, for themselves. If your child grows up with the mistaken assumption that you, as their parent, are perfect, they will strive to reach for a goal that is unattainable. In other words, from the get-go, they will be destined for failure. This will destroy their self-esteem, lead to anxiety behaviors and depression.
The next premise that is very important when raising children, is that you respect your child as his own person with his own "free will". Just as our maker allows us to make our own choices about how we will live, make our own mistakes and to learn from these mistakes, so is it important that we allow our children this freedom. Again, figuring very prominently in this learning strategy is the opportunity to model making mistakes and learning from those mistakes. This is not the only thing that we model as parents. Believe me, your child will watch you like a hawk, and emulate you in ALL things. Nowhere else in life will it be so important to show the children, that though the things you tell them are important, you actually follow through physically on the things that you tell them to do. In fact they, will be much more inclined to do what you do, rather than what you say, especially when those two things are not compatible. As a parent, your days of anonymity are over. Your child will watch and observe your behavior in all arenas, and be taking notes, to boot. They will watch how you treat your spouse, how you treat their siblings. They will watch how you interact with other adults in all their capacities, whether they are the Post Man, the waitress, the Pastor, their Teachers, your relatives, your children's friends. The way you treat others in all their myriad positions will shape them in the respect they give others and their occupations. Humility or superiority will be modeled in this way. These interactions will also influence how they see themselves in their "world view", and how they impact others in the world. The best guideline to adopt when you interact with others in view of your children, is to treat these people, how you would want your child/children to be treated. The reverse of that coin is to insist/allow others to treat you how you should be treated, with respect.
Although I touched on this in the preceding paragraph, I think the single most important thing that you model is how you treat your spouse. Whether your child is male or female, how you treat your spouse impacts not only how they treat each of you as their mother or father, how they treat their future lovers/spouses, but most importantly how they allow themselves to be treated by their significant others. I cannot stress this next statement enough: do not allow your spouse to abuse you verbally, physically, or emotionally. Whatever you allow to become the norm for treatment of you, will become their norm, not only for you but for themselves. The best way to raise strong, confident children, is for you, yourself to be strong and confident, and not allow yourself to be bullied in any way. Demonstrate how to defend yourself, verbally and physically. In households where the spouse is abused, the children are usually themselves abused. Seek counseling immediately. If this is not effective, do whatever you need to do to get yourself and your child/children to a place of safety. It is also very important that you not allow your spouse to abuse your children. They have no one to protect them from your spouse except you. Don't allow shaming, inappropriate discipline, verbal, emotional or physical abuse. And most importantly, if you are EVER uncomfortable with the way your spouse interacts with your child/children through inappropriate physical play or sexual innuendo, be vigilant and get your child out of there. It is a horrible thing to suspect of your spouse or watch for. But this is an imperfect world and it happens. Hopefully, not to you children, but you MUST be aware.
Again, your life will become a litany of what you model. Pride in your job. Eating healthy. Engaging in healthy physical activities. Healthy interactions with mood-altering substances. Spirituality. Responsible citizenship. Environmental awareness and stewardship. Housekeeping skills. Healthy Friendships. Healthy Familial Interactions. Opinions about politics and the state of the nation and world.
As human beings, we have very different opinions about the world, and our place in it. We were all raised differently, and successful marriages rely heavily on our child-rearing practices being compatible. But I have found the following strategies to be important and true.
- The more you travel, domestically or abroad, and the greater variety of lifestyles the children are exposed to, the more open-minded your child will be. The more the children are exposed to different cultures the more educated they will be and the more reality-based will be their world view. They will also be more likely to tolerate opposing opinions and engage in respectful, intelligent discussion.
- The more they interact with the outdoors, the more respectful will be their interactions with the environment, and that will in turn make them better stewards of the environment.
- If your household recycles, they will be more likely to carry out this habit, and to develop a mindset that conserves and protects resources.
- Starting at an early age, the more choices you allow a child to safely make, the better able they will be able to handle their independence when they broach adolescence, and then when they leave the household. This can start with choosing what to wear, what to eat, what to listen to, where to eat, what to do for recreation. You don't have to give up ALL your control. You provide the variety to be chosen from, and your child makes the final decision. Everybody's need for control is fulfilled.
- Never shame your child. This does nothing to teach the child how to make right decisions and breeds poor self-esteem, and resentment towards you.
- Avoid power struggles. As the child gets older and bigger, the possibility that you will win decreases. If you do use physical intimidation to subdue the child, it will rob him of self-esteem, and decrease his ability to problem solve and come up with solutions that are satisfactory to everyone.
- Allow your child/children to see you and your spouse disagree and compromise. No relationship is conflict free. Allowing your children to see conflicts resolved, gives them realistic expectations for functional relationships and gives them better chances at successful relationships throughout childhood and into adulthood.
- The more a father engages in friendly, joyful, physical play with their children, the deeper will be the parent/child relationship. This also gives a better foundation from which the child can jump into the quagmire of dependence/independence once adolescence hits.
- Resist the temptation to be dictatorial in dealing with your children and adolescents. Dictating without flexibility will foment resentment. Allow your child to give input into decisions, especially when they directly impact the activities and well-being of your child. This leads to better decision-making as an adult, and increases the chances that your child will follow rules that fulfill your expectations.
- Do not expect your child to be you. He has his own abilities, fears, strengths, weaknesses. If you had hopes and dreams that were not fulfilled, his life is not another chance for you to realize your dreams. You've had your chance at life. Give your child his chance.
- Involve your whole family in a spiritual practice. Discuss the different ways in which people worship. When it comes time for your child to pick his own spiritual way, allow this. Our souls all have their own paths to enlightenment and self-fulfillment.
- Allow your child to pick his own friends. If you find that you're not particularly thrilled about their choices in friends, NEVER speak negatively about this friend, or your child will just hold on to this friend more strongly. Involve this friend in whole family activities, drive them to their engagements, allow your child to discover his own way in how he wants to interact with the world and be treated by friends. Again, this is where modeling your own interactions and friendships will be most influential.
- Allow your children to make their own mistakes and learn from them.
- Remember that the word discipline comes from disciple which means student. The original definition of discipline means to teach. Use mistakes and poor decisions as teaching opportunities. Don't shame and don't get caught up in the trap of punishing each wrong. This will destroy your parent/child relationship, breed resentment, and will not provide a learning opportunity. Elaborate punishment/reward systems become confusing, and often end up punishing the enforcers as much as the child.
- Be frank when discussing sex. Making crude sexual jokes and references around your son or daughter will teach them that it is acceptable to demean people sexually, and will give your daughter or son the idea that it is acceptable for their girl/boyfriends to make such crude remarks in front of them, and to treat them the way that is embodied in the joke. I think it is important that adolescents have an awareness of sex, and sexual protections, but how they interact with others sexually will be dictated by how you talk about sex and the other sex. Be frank about protection and birth control. Stress with your son OR your daughter that it is THEIR responsibility to handle protection and birth control, no matter their gender. If they leave that responsibility up to someone else, there is no guarantee to the outcome.The gravity and enormity of the possible outcomes from these choices is too huge to leave up to chance. If you do not bring up subjects with your children which are uncomfortable, but with which they will be confronted sooner or later, you give up all rights to input, and any control over the information they receive.
- Families in which alcohol is imbibed openly and in moderation and handled responsibly have a more positive possible handling of drinking. The allure and glamour of getting drunk is removed if your children see you interacting with alcohol moderately and with maturity. They will be less likely to engage in binge drinking. At the age at which partying is expected, make it very clear that their safety and lives are of the utmost importance to you, and that they will not be punished or shamed if they drink and call you for a ride home. The temptation to punish will be overwhelming, but only by not punishing and giving them a safe way home, can you truly avoid drunk driving and them risking their lives or their driving records. Everything is relative, and when it comes down to it, you would rather have them alive and drunk, then having avoided punishment and risking life and limb.
- Don't discipline when angry. Don't discuss the situation if you can't do it without yelling. Figure out the lesson or desired outcome of this situation. Allow a cool-off time and discuss the infraction/situation at that time.
- Be realistic in setting curfews. Be aware of your own town's curfew and set accordingly. We were fairly flexible about curfews, we just insisted that they call us if they realized that they wouldn't be home when they said they would be and called us when they departed for home.
- Be respectful of your child's room and possessions. They need to know that what's theirs is theirs and won't be taken away from them as punishment. It is more effective to limit an activity, or just to discuss better ways of handling poor choices. Never force your child to share his possessions. The more in control of his life and his possessions your child feels, the less he will fight against your guidance.
- Each family member should have roles in keeping the household clean and functioning. When the child is young, assist the child in cleaning his room. Don't do it FOR him, but neither should you issue an edict that he keep it clean by himself. Keeping a bedroom clean is made up of multiple tasks, and too overwhelming to learn without assistance, all at once. It is age-appropriate, once the child has reached middle school for him to be responsible for its cleanliness, as well as for his laundry. Let him make the choice of how clean or dirty he wants it. Though this is hard, unless there are clear hygiene issues, don't make demands that your child clean his room. How else will he prepare himself for life in college or on his own. Again, you need to treat your child's room as a sovereign nation.
- As a spouse, don't make yourself responsible for cleaning up after your spouse, or your children once they reach adolescence. I would ask my kids twice to take care of their possessions, after that, it went in their room or away, depending on what it was. They didn't like the outcome either way, but it is your right to have your home the way you want it.
ALWAYS be your child's best advocate and biggest cheerleader. If you sense unfairness in how your child is being treated by others; whether it's other children, teachers, relatives, discuss the situation with your child. Give them the option of handling it with/without your support, or letting you handle it. You always want your child to come from a place of support and safety.
And the hardest thing. One in four adult women and one in ten adult men have experienced sexual abuse as a child. Children are more likely to be abused by an adult they and their parents know rather than strangers. We need to be aware of this, and teach our children at a young age that NO MATTER HOW WELL THEY OR WE KNOW THAT PERSON, OR HOW MUCH THEY AND WE TRUST THAT PERSON, IF OUR CHILD DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE ACTION OR THE TOUCH, TO LEAVE AND SEEK US OUT.
There's probably a myriad of topics I have not brushed on when it comes to parenting. Remember that these children are the most precious souls you'll ever know. Remember that you love them no matter the situation they're in. Treat them as beings that deserve respect and acknowledgement. If you discipline to teach and not to punish, I think you'll find that all paths are made easier. When they reach adulthood, you'll find that you have a beautiful, independent, confident son or daughter who has treasured and loyal friends and treats others with the love and respect that they deserve.
Peace,
Kismet
Press this Link for Additional Info on Raising Strong Children
No More Steubenvilles; How to Raise Boys to Be Kind Men
Press this Link for Additional Info on Raising Strong Children
No More Steubenvilles; How to Raise Boys to Be Kind Men
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